I still get the chills (not in a bad way) when I see a breastpump. Two years, two kids. That’s how long I have been pumping and breastfeeding them. One year for each kid. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to get through those two years.

I’ll be honest. Breastfeeding is tough. It is not as glamorous as those posters or information sites make it out to be. I struggled with Emilee. I thought I would be better with Kaitlin since I was an experienced mum, but nope, I had a new set of challenges thrown at me.

Noob at the Game

Back in 2015, there was a great emphasis on breastfeeding. I went for pre-natal classes and thought I was ready for motherhood. I would latch my baby and have that wonderful bonding session with her. No milk for the first few days? Not to worry! Baby can get by on reserves. The milk will come a few days later and she’ll be well fed. Ok, I got this.

Tried latching Emilee. She fell asleep each time I tried latching her. I wasn’t getting a deep latch. I was getting frustrated. How will I produce milk if she’s not latching? She was in high dependency nursery for about half a day as she was a low birth weight baby and I had gestational diabetes so they needed to monitor her blood sugar as well. While she was there, I would try latching her and after that 15 minutes of non-latch, I would hand her over to the nurse to be fed with formula milk.

After that half day, she roomed in with me. I still tried latching her to no avail. Being new parents, hubby and I thought she could get by with reserves so we settled her down for the night. Every few minutes, she cried. None of us were getting any rest. In frustration, we called for the nurse. That was how we met this wonderful nurse who really helped us out. She wasn’t a lactation consultant but she was the first nurse who cleared all our doubts. We tried latching Emilee for about an hour. Nope. That was when she asked KS to put his finger in her mouth and describe what she was doing. We finally determined that her inability to have a deep latch was probably because she was too small and did not have the strength to suck hard. She also told us that no way Emilee could rely on her reserves. She is a low birth weight baby (born 2.1kg at 37 weeks), if she doesn’t drink, she’ll be losing more weight and of course, she will never gain the strength to suckle. No one ever told us this. Not even the lactation consultant who saw me earlier. Everyone just said to keep practising latching and that was it.

That nurse arranged for the lactation consultant to actually attend to me properly the next day. The lactation consultant helped me hand express the first few droplets of colostrum into a syringe. It was a lot of pressing and kneading on my boobs, not the best experience but pain and discomfort was far from my mind. I was determined to breastfeed Emilee.

Home Sweet Home, Not

While Emilee was of low birth weight, she had no other major issues and we could bring her home as per the normal schedule. I was still producing colostrum in mere droplets and it was painstaking work to collect it in a syringe but I did it anyway. Emilee still had her formula milk to keep her full and happy.

My milk really kicked in on the fifth day. It was the first time my boobs felt so engorged and painful. Emilee was still not latching so I pumped out the milk. To my dismay, only droplets was pumped out. I was so frustrated. Shouldn’t my milk be overflowing? Why isn’t Emilee latching? Is this even breastfeeding at all? KS tried asking his colleagues for help. One of his colleagues shared that I could pump three hourly to stimulate my boobs to produce more milk since Emilee wasn’t latching. So that was it. I would wake up to pump and then feed Emilee. By the time I was done with both tasks, I only got about an hour or so of sleep before the next pump.

The lack of sleep really got to me. I was not enjoying my time with Emilee. My mother-in-law (MIL) tried helping me feed Emilee instead. My body was still undergoing a change of hormones so I got pretty emotional when mil took over the feeding. It made me feel less of a mother as I wasn’t caring for my daughter and someone else was doing it instead. I tried talking to KS about it but he was also trying to juggle being a parent and going back to work, so his reply was always to talk to his mum about it instead. I never felt more alone in my life. I was slipping into post-natal blues which I did not even realise at that moment. My thoughts became more irrational and I felt like MIL was snatching my daughter away from me.

On a happier note, the continuous pumping did help to build my milk supply. I was overjoyed watching the supply slowly creep up from nothing to 20ml to 40ml. 20ml might mean nothing to other mums, but to me, it was VERY precious. Emilee was now on mix feed. But one thing still bothered me, Emilee was still not latching. I felt like a failure in this breastfeeding game.

Learning to ‘EP’

I sought help from a close friend. She was already a mum and had successfully breastfed her son. She just asked me a few simple questions that made me think about what breastfeeding meant to me. She told me to set a breastfeeding goal for myself. When did I want to stop? Once that was established, she asked if I was ok pumping even if Emilee never latched. That was when she introduced the idea of exclusive pumping (EP). I never knew there was such a thing! All along I just felt I was the only weird mum not latching my kid. I googled it later and found out that it is actually a common thing!

I no longer felt that frustration from breastfeeding. I eased into the strict 3 hourly schedule of pumping. I was tired from pumping and spent most of my time catching up on sleep. I had come to terms with letting my parents-in-law feed Emilee and see to most of her needs in the day, while I saw to her needs at night. Pumping became my main role as a mother.

Building my milk supply was a slow one but I finally managed to produce enough to fully breastfeed Emilee after two months. I was overjoyed. She was not a big drinker so even with my low supply, I managed to fully breastfeed her. At this point, I tried to latch her again but this girl had gotten used to the fast and steady flow from the bottle that she would not have my boob. (She was also a very fast drinker and could finish any amount within five minutes.) I decided then to ditch any attempt or hope of latching her.

Low Supply

Pumping three hourly continued till Emilee was six months old. I was afraid to drop any pumps because I wasn’t producing a whole lot of milk. I listened in envy as other mums spoke of how they produced a litre of milk or more a day. Here I was, with a maximum production of 700ml combined from both boobs a day.

There were nights when it would get so lonely. All the world was sleeping and here I was waking up in the odd hours pumping away. People marveled at how Emilee slept through the night (STTN) at two months old. They congratulated me in finally able to get my good night’s rest as I did not need to do night feedings anymore. Little did they know that I was still not getting my so-called “good night’s rest” because I was up pumping. It was even worse when I had to face with blocked ducts in the middle of the night. At times, I would feel why was I even doing this. But the thought would soon be replaced with determination to pull through the tough times as I looked at the pictures of my daughter. Yes, I am doing this for her. This is my unconditional love for my daughter.

Blocked Ducts

This is every mama’s nightmare. I remember having my first blocked duct. I had no idea how to manage it. I tried a hot towel but it failed to unblock. The lump in my boob just kept growing harder until it was like a huge rock. The pain from the pressure was just growing and getting harder to ignore. I caved in and called a massage lady for help. She could only come down the next day. Her only advice was to get my baby to latch to help relieve the pressure and hopefully unblock it. Omg. I almost died with that advice. My baby does not latch. How was I supposed to unblock it? Panic was building inside as I tried hour after hour of pumping. I think it was my fourth or fifth attempt that I finally managed to unblock it. Imagine the relief I felt as I saw the milk gushing out while pumping. Didn’t need the massage lady’s help after all.

I was having this recurring blocked duct problem and I finally learnt from other mums to try taking lecithin. Lecithin thins out the milk and redistributes the fats. It makes the milk less “sticky” so that it doesn’t cling to the duct wall and coagulate forming a blockage. Lecithin worked like a charm for me. Once I began taking it, my blocked duct problem lessened significantly.

I also learnt another useful tip from a mama. Instead of using a hot towel, fill a baby’s bottle with hot water instead. Roll it on the affected area as you pump. The bottle loses heat less quickly. Wrap it in a towel before rolling it on your boob. You don’t want to scald yourself!

Towards the End of My Journey

After six months of three hourly pumps, I reluctantly started to drop pumps. I had lost all my time with Emilee. I was not her favourite person which got me slightly upset but I knew it couldn’t be helped as I was not spending a lot of time with her. On a brighter note, I had built a good stash of milk. I even had a freezer stash. My daughter being a small drinker and her early STTN had helped build this stash despite my low supply.

My menses returned at eight months post-partum due to the drop in pumps. This is another nightmare for breastfeeding mums because whenever the menses comes, the supply drops. Some mums even complain that their supply drops and doesn’t really recover after the menses stop. Lucky for me, my supply dipped only a little during my menses and recovered after it stopped.

Of course, dropping pumps also meant a signal to the body to produce less milk. Production of milk works on a demand and supply basis. My milk supply started to lessen but the real dip happened only when I had a bad bout of blocked duct at about nine to ten months of breastfeeding. I could not seem to get it unblocked and felt slightly feverish that night. Took some paracetemol to get pain relief and continued to pump. I did manage to unblock it in the end but somehow I also lost half of my supply from that affected boob.

Stopping breastfeeding was easy for me. I just kept cutting pumps until I was down to about two pumps a day then I cut the duration of each pump. I usually needed the full cycle of 30 minutes to empty my boobs, so what I did was cut the duration to about 15-20 minutes. My last pump was a couple of days past Emilee’s first birthday.

Emilee had her last taste of breastmilk a couple of days after my last pump.

What I Learnt About Breastfeeding

It was a bittersweet feeling to stop breastfeeding but I was very clear that one year was my breastfeeding goal and I had achieved that. I had lost a lot of time with Emilee — my trade off for fully breastfeeding her. Now, it was time to play catch up for all that lost time.

Breastfeeding is hard. Exclusive pumping is even harder. And no one ever tells you that. But every breastfeeding mum knows deep down that we won’t have it any other way for every drop of milk we produce is precious and contains our love for our little one. You know the saying “no use crying over spilled milk”? A breastfeeding mum will tell you that is bullshit. We WILL cry over spilled milk. All that time gone to pumping the milk out and gone in a second. It is even worse for a low supply mum.

So here’s to all the breastfeeding mums. It doesn’t matter if you breastfed your baby for one year, two years, a few months or even a few days. It doesn’t make you less of a mother for your love for your child knows no end.